Comments on: Talking Money with your (future) wife

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:58:10 +0000

I really appreciate all your comments. I will definitely pause and reflect on all of this. Deep habits have gone on for a long time… I don’t think it’s too late to work things out yet.

I definitely rely on this post that it is important to discuss before getting married. Thank you again.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:26:39 +0000

I think those are excellent questions to ask when you’re in a relationship, but I think that they should be asked a whole lot sooner than the “talking about marriage” point. Money is such a huge issue, but people can be tempted to overlook it and figure they’ll just work through it, when in reality it might be better to get some of the important stuff out of the way reasonably early on, before being blinded by love.

By: Tony

Tony — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:42:37 +0000

@Anonymous

I don’t know you or your husband, but if you say third party help is out the window and that he refuses to acknowledge then my idea above is out the window. Have you tried something like allowances for each of you? This may not be a possibility due to financial constraints, and even though it sounds like something you’d do with your kids, it may work well and would give him some freedom and also reduce stress for both of you. Obviously I don’t know how severe the problem is, but this could be a solution. Or, using my example above, if the man loves golf, work that into your budget. He could overrun it yeah, but if he sees that your trying to accommodate his needs, hopefully he’ll try to start accommodating yours(saving, etc.).

Sorry if my response is not what you’re looking for or if it seems like something you’ve read on 20 other PF blogs, but someone trained in resolving situations such as this could provide a better answer. I’m just a guy that wants folks to have good marriages and I know keeping the books balanced helps reach and maintain that goal.

glbl guy, I know I’m new around here and thanks for tolerating my replies.

By: Mike

Mike — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:56:07 +0000

@Financial Samurai
Still asking, huh? hehehe ;-)

By: Financial Samurai

Financial Samurai — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:04:30 +0000

I gotta be honest here, every time I talk to the wife, I ask her “Honey, when are you going to make a million bucks so I can retire early?” :)

By: Credit Card Chaser

Credit Card Chaser — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:09:34 +0000

Setting financial goals is a big part of getting on the same page with a spouse I think. Setting goals allows both people to have a shared purpose and something to shoot for.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:00:49 +0000

Thanks Tony. I just feel exhausted with all of this. I am really trying to be the best wife I can and to be strong. I think it’s hard to involve a third party. I think he’s in denial. He is refusing help or won’t even consider that we have a problem…

By: James

James — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:49:36 +0000

Tony, thanks for the correction. Maybe it was not clear. Yes, how can you help us, my wife and I, to understand how to make financial decisions the way God wants us to? I rely with Stew’s saying: ‘Don’t just spend money, spend time with family’. But sometimes, I feel that our society is becoming more and more materialistic and individualistic. We are focusing on ‘ME, MYSELF and I’, on consumption, results and acquiring material things, at the expense of our catholic values…

By: Tony

Tony — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:32:51 +0000

@James

Do you mean: How do you think THIS can help us make financial decisions consistent with God’s will?

By: Tony

Tony — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:16:34 +0000

@anonymous

I would suggest that you get a third party involved. A counselor, pastor, etc. Discussing what motivates him to spend money would be a good place to start and it may not be a good idea for you to ask those questions, especially if this is an already sensitive subject. It seems to me that people spend money for a variety of reasons and without addressing those issues, spending will not stop. There are probably some needs that need to be addressed. Maybe he feels like he has to buy toys to keep up with his friends or that he plays three rounds of gold every week to hang out with his buddies. Us guys use activities to foster companionship and toys to measure our worth and also to make us happy. All this to say that I’m 99 percent positive that money is not the issue here, but that there is a deeper need that money helps to fulfill.