Comments on: Debt, lies, and marriage – Help a reader out

By: Sharon

Sharon — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:58:29 +0000

I am right now facing this situation and was looking for some guidance in telling my husband this coming Monday because I can’t take it anymore. I have done this three other times and know I have a problem. For several years now I have built up several secret credit cards totaling around $40,000. I can’t pay the monthly payments anymore and I have even gone through a battle resisting suicide but my kids faces in my mind keep me barely holding on. I am such a mess over this, it almost seems like I am only a burden to my husband and my family’s future. I need prayer, or mostly, he needs prayer for the bomb I am getting ready to drop. The people on this board who have been responding to Sarah are truly an inspiration and a comfort just in reading what they said to her. I would love to know what happened with Sarah and her husband.

By: Father Sez » Archive » Links – The Child Blogger Edition – 24 January 09

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:29:42 +0000

[...] One of GLBL’s readers, Sarah, has turned to him for some advice. Apparently there is increasing debt and lies involved and Sarah’s conscience is now at a critical point. To resolve any problem, first we must recognize and admit that there is a problem. Sarah has taken this first and most important step. I think the GLBL guy has given some great advice. Click through and hear what he says. [...]

By: alwaysfrog

alwaysfrog — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:09:05 +0000

Obviously you have to tell him because if you don’t, he will eventually find out. Don’t kid yourself. If he finds out before you tell him, the risk is higher that he might leave you. I don’t know what his spiritual condition is or what his convictions are on that subject. I know that my husband and I are pretty much “til death do us part” and the only reason I would ever leave him is if my or my children’s lives were in danger.

That being said, I think if you tell him how horrible you feel and that you realize that you have a problem and you are willing to seek professional help, he will be more willing to help you work through this. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem, which you have done.

It would also be helpful if you are willing to have someone (whether personal or professional) other than your husband keep you accountable for your spending and be available at any hour for a phone call (if it’s late) or face-to-face encouragement if possible.

I pray that you find the courage to confess to him and the he has the courage to stand by you.

By: Liane

Liane — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:22:01 +0000

Sarah, please tell your husband the truth. Honesty is always best. You will feel the weight of the world lifted once you let go of your secret. Keeping it in and trying to hide it will only make you feel worse. Yes, your husband may be angry, but I think if your take full responsibility for what’s happened and make a plan, together, on how to remedy it, you will tackle this issue together. And from then on, you should openly discuss your finances. There should not be any secrets in a marriage. It’s a partnership.
I’m praying for you.

By: Pamela @ Frugal Vet Tech (Student)

Pamela @ Frugal Vet Tech (Student) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 04:37:32 +0000

I have no more advice to add to what’s already been said, but I wanted to let “Sarah” know that I’m praying for her.

By: Lila

Lila — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 04:00:00 +0000

I have done the same thing Sarah did. I lied to my husband for several years about a large amount of debt. When I came clean a few months ago, it was difficult, he was angry, but we have survived. We are working to resolve the debt and also considering counseling to work through the trust / anger / communication issues. It has been a difficult few months, but the end result of confessing has lifted a great burden from my heart. No longer do I have to hide bills, statements, or wonder if the next phone call will be a collection agency calling about a missed payment. Now, I can sit down with my husband and discuss openly how much we bring in, how much we are spending, and where to send the money we make each month. You cannot believe how much of a difference that makes!

By: Funny about Money

Funny about Money — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 01:51:11 +0000

Dear heart, please please please go to a marriage counselor. If you are a believer, go to your church and pray, too, but get to a trustworthy independent counselor right away. You must tell your husband about this (before, as some have pointed out, he finds out from some bill collector). But if you are afraid, you don’t have to go into it alone and unsupported.

My ex- used to do this kind of thing. That is the immediate reason (but not the only reason or even the most important reason) he is an ex. In retrospect, I can see that had we spoken to each other with the guidance of a marriage counselor, we BOTH could have — and would have — discussed the things that made us behave the way we did, and we might have saved our marriage.

Don’t fear. Seek the right path and go forward. You’ll find your way.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 20:25:37 +0000

@Rob, Your comments are less than helpful. First, there is no reason why she can’t do active things to rectify the situation along with praying. It may not be in your beliefs, but if it’s in her beliefs there is nothing wrong with that. Furthermore, you have no basis to tell someone to “expect divorce.” You know nothing of her situation as far as what led to this problem or what type of a person her husband is. There are many marriages out there that have made it through all kinds of devastating circumstances.

You mention reality. Reality is that we are all people and we all make mistakes. Reality is that you can’t undo what’s been done, but you can make an effort to change things and not make the same mistakes again. And realistically no one can predict what is going to happen in another person’s life and relationship.

By: sara l

sara l — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 19:50:50 +0000

I think the only option is to tell the husband, but this should be coupled with a plan (or plans) to get out of debt. Nothing will make it a good situation, but I’d rather hear “I messed up. Here are some of the ways to work our way out of the situation. What do you think is best” than ” Imessed up.”

By: Rob

Rob — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 19:10:46 +0000

Stop praying and get the situation rectified. Only you can fix the problem. Expect divorce. I would not stay married to someone I cant trust. Its called reality.