Comments on: Lies, money and marriage – what can you do?

By: TXChristian

TXChristian — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:07:26 +0000

Well, I am the liar in my case. I have lied to my husband over a course of a couple of years about what is now 20,000 in credit card debt on our only credit card.. I didn’t hide expenses, I didn’t make the charges on anything or anyone other than our house or our family, but the spending of misc. items for kids, fast food, groceries, etc, was out of control. I was in charge of all the bills and I got each of them paid on time and have never been late or deliquent, which was a blessing, but also I was paying so much on the minimum payment each month, that it left me no money for food, gas, groceries, anything so what would I do, charge them. So, even though I was making these hefty monthly payments to pay off the card, I was in turn re-charging everything the next month. How crazy is that? I kept telling myself I could get a grip on it, and somehow ended up convincing myself. Well, then came the day a few weeks ago where his truck broke down and well —- there was no money left on the card to charge it – I had forgotten to put back money throughout the year for our taxes, so I had cleaned out savings to pay for those taxes – I had to come clean – I was terrified, it was a terrible few days and even now weeks later, I still feel so guilty. This is a feeling I never want to experience EVER again. We have since re-financed our home and credit card debt and will be paying on that now. He took my credit card and I don’t ever want to see that thing again. He and I have been doing our bills weekly and sticking to the budget. I know I have to forgive myself if I want him to forgive me. As a Christian, I know better- what in the world was I thinking? I have failed God, myself, my husband and my children.. I am going to get down on my knees and pray to God for forgiveness again and keep my heart open to receive His forgiveness. I have apologized multiple times to my husband desperate to keep his love. I know now how badly I have hurt him, but he still loves me and thinks we can get through this even when I have my doubts. To see the pain and hurt in his eyes tears me apart and was it all worth it, NO… I’m recommending to anyone lying about debt, to come clean, the longer it goes on the worse it’s going to get. You think you can handle it, but the chances are less likely you can – I have alot of work ahead of me before I earn my husband’s trust again, and I’m in it for the long haul. I recommend with any couple that joint accounts are a good thing in that you both know what you have and can hold each other accountable. Blessings to all reading this, and if my experiences can help you, then God Bless You on your journey. I do totally agree with A.B. Confessor, living a truthful life is much better than living a dark horrible secret. My dark secret was eating my up each and every day I looked at our bills and it was affecting my mood toward my husband and kids because of the burden. Life is too short to live that way – here’s to the future and the truth :)

By: A.B. Confessor

A.B. Confessor — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:09:19 +0000

I am in a current situation which I have been lying to my wife about certain finances ; my father in law gave me a hefty sum ($60,000 to be exact )in order to deposit it in my kids accounts as savings which I did ( and that was around 5 years ago ). Now my wife comes from an upper class rich family , while I come from a middle class respectful but non rich family and I have been working for a private company with a salary that barely makes ends meet.I love my wife and children to death and I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt them in any imaginable way. Times got hard for me , their were bills that needed to be paid and I never was the type to ask my wife for money ; I therefore started using my kids’ accounts to settle them without the knowledge of my wife. I felt secure because my honest intention was to give the money back once I became financially ready. This thought ( that i would be giving it back ) made me spend on my needs e.g.if I wanted to get a new Iphone I would use the kids’ accounts and within a couple of years it was all spent! My wife recently came up with the idea that we needed to invest our kids’ money somewhere in which they can benefit from returns in the future ; she wanted to make that wealth grow for their security and she started asking me about the cash in their accounts and that she wanted to get a hold of all their balance information which has been dissolved. I first tried to stall her from the topic completely , but she was persistent ; we got into huge fights on how she felt I was not giving her full rights as their mother but I kept postponing and postponing and now I believe she is suspicious and feels she does not trust me unless I show her the bank statements. She is angry , she is confused , she is losing the trust of her husband and why ? because I was a coward and could not confess that I could not afford a certain standard in life! which led to my spending of $60,000 from my kids accounts in less than two years without her knowledge.
I am going to confess to her tonight about everything! I never ever spent money or time with any other woman than my wife , I never cheated on her , and I do love her and my kids with all my heart and will return the whole amount if it kills me sooner or later.
I also realize my mistake and am ready for any consequences that may come. Nevertheless, I am super scared but I am sure that living a truthful life is much better than living with a dark horrible secret.

By: Sacha

Sacha — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 22:51:18 +0000

I am moved by hearing so many others going through the same struggle. My husband has been hiding two credit cards, and other accounts from me for the entire 3 1/2 years that we have been married. It would be bad enough if it were just the existence of the accounts, as we have more than enough money to pay them off. What leaves the deepest scar is the way in which he could lie to my face about these accounts even after they were discovered… and the fact that he would be lying today, tomorrow, and beyond if I hadn’t caught him. I am not sure what to do. I know I should forgive him, but I feel angry, hurt, and duped, which makes it hard to feel forgiveness. He acknowledges his wrongdoing and professes a desire to change, but words are just words now. I have to believe that God is capable of bringing healing into our lives.

By: Stuart

Stuart — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 23:09:30 +0000

I just found out that my girlfriend of 3 years lied to me about not paying a bill. She had pulled the bill from the mail for 2 yrs so I wouldn’t find out. Well this spring I happened to get the mail first. When I confronted her we had a huge blow out but I accepted her answer that she was afraid that I would leave. She was in an abusive past so her behaviour was not surprising. The problem was that I thought that the air had been cleared. Over the course of the next 2 months I found out about a credit card and 2 other bills. Each time I confronted her she told me there was nothing else. I finally had enough when I discovered there was a lien on our house from her past. At first she told me she didn’t know how it got on there but she found out that I was asking lawyers to look into it she confessed that she had lost a court battle and owed money that she never paid up. She admitted it was the last of the deception and had hit rock bottom. This was my breaking point after offering so many chances to come clean, I felt she was a coward, that she didn’t come clean because of guilt but simply because she got caught. I absolutely loved this woman before this happened and now I am really struggling to keep the relationship alive because the trust is gone. I don’t know the outcome but I wanted to share my story in the hopes of finding clarity. Thanks

By: Mary

Mary — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 18:08:42 +0000

When my husband and I got married 23 years ago, I was marrying my best friend with the anticipation of gaining a husband and future father of our kids, but thru the years his career slowly began to take priority over me and the kids. I was put in charge of the finances but He wanted to call the shots. He could spend at will but I had to justify every penny I spent. It became easier and easier to “hide” things than be treated like a child. Also, I found spending money we didn’t have (my own credit cards) made me feel better, sort of made up for his lack of being present. This went on for many years till one day it came out in the open. We refinanced and paid off all the debt but got no counseling or financial advice. Well, that was 4 years ago and guess what? Yep, right back to where we were 4 years ago although not as deep in. After the first round, he again put the burdened on me to basically “run” the house because he didn’t have time (because of his work) which I made a hughe mistake being willing to do it again. He told me after the first time that HE would not go thru this again, like I was doing it to HIM alone and not us. Where is his accountability? I have a part-time husband and the kids have a part-time father. I have yet to confront him with this as I am certain, the blame with rest squarly on my shoulders. We have God so removed from our marriage, I honestly don’t see how we have managed to survive this long. I am a Christian, active in church with the kids while hubby sits at home and “works”. I truly believe the “money problem” is nothing more than a result of a much deeper problem with our marriage and that is my husband is not an active participant unless he feels he has time. His expectations are so high for me and the kids, I don’t see how we breath. I love him dearly and want nothing more for us to get our marriage “fixed” once and for all. I am tired of “running the house” and having to be the “example” for the kids on my own.

By: George

George — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 02:21:29 +0000

I’m not here to judge anyone’s commitment to God, just to share my story. My wife of 18 years dropped a bomb on me several years ago. At that time we lived in a beautiful home with lots of land. I really liked the home and farm that we lived on. I liked it so much that when we financed and purchased the home I told her that I would make the house payments and some other of the bills and she could pay the other bills. I thought at the time that I had to convince her that we could afford the place. We lived there a total of 8 years. We worked hard to keep that place up. It was expensive to keep afloat there. But something felt fishy with our financial situation. I kept telling her that something wasn’t adding up financially. She had her own checking account and I had mine. I said she made too much money for us to be this broke. She finally confided in me after 10 years of lying to me that she had been paying 500-700 Dollars a month or so to pay off her sister’s credit card bill. I was in shock. I became very angry and bitter towards her for Betraying me for so long and constantly lying to me over the years when I asked her why we were always so broke. She had lied about credit cards in the past to me before also so this wasn’t the first time. She had to be bailed out a time or two by her dear old Dad when he was alive when she was a lot younger too. Her sister apparently had charged up several credit cards and couldn’t pay them off and was dodging calls from collection agencies. Her sister apparently asked her for help. One of the worst parts about it is that her sister has never tried to pay us anything back or acted like she appreciated it in any way. It is sad to my that I struggled to keep things together and put off retirement savings for roughly 10 years because of her. Another bad thing is that her sister is still keeping this lie from her husband who is a Deacon at our local church and She is active at that church also. It has been several years since my wife has told me about this, but I just can’t seem to let this go. I struggle with it from time to time. I can’t help but feel like she robbed me of 10 years of my life and betrayed me over and over for all those years.

By: Karen

Karen — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 00:17:47 +0000

You people call yourself Christians! Debt is not a reason to divorce. Have you prayed for your spouse and ask the Lord to deliver them from this bondage. Anoint your house, lay hands over your spouse, and believe and trust that YOUR GOD will handle the situation. We are not MOVED BY EMOTIONS, if this were the case all of us would be divorce, broke, and crazy! We stand on FAITH and HIS WORD. What God puts together no man can separate! And that’s all there is to it! Spending money is a disease! It just like an alcoholic or drug addict. It is a demon that needs to be cast out. Jesus blood covers ALL things! He can do the impossible! The world looks to us as examples and we can not even show the way. What a shame!

By: KIM

KIM — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 01:57:59 +0000

And I agree with BOTH OF YOU! Got you beat though…my soon to be X kept nearly $300,000 hidden from me until 6 months into the marriage. School debt and living on several credit cards for years did him in, laziness too.
I was hoping to start a family as I’m in my late 30′s but now that has all changed. It’s been a dark two years but I have stayed strong and will survive. I struggle with forgiveness and moving on… we are divorcing this summer. And to be honest with you, GOOD N’GONE!

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