Lies, money and marriage – what can you do?
By glblguy
He’s been buying those sunflower seeds again and not telling her*
What would you do if you suddenly found out your spouse was $20,000 dollars in credit card debt and didn’t tell you? Turns out this situation of husbands and wives lying about debt isn’t so unusual. People around the country are accidentally finding out that their spouses have debt they weren’t aware. In many cases, the debt is small. In other’s, the amounts are high…real high.
Lies like these can bring a seemingly healthy relationship to a dead stop, devastating the marriage and frequently leading to divorce. Most of us realize that big lies like this are a huge problem, but how about small ones? Ever lie about how much something cost? How about telling your husband something was on sale when it really wasn’t? Or maybe, buying something costly and just plain on not telling your wife at all (ahem, those golf clubs in your trunk)?
Harris Interactive was commissioned to do a survey by Redbook magazine lawyers.com that provides some very interesting insights:
- 29% of U.S. adults ages 25 to 55 who are in a committed relationship say they have been dishonest with their partner about spending habits
- 24% of all those currently in a relationship say honesty about finances is more important than honesty about fidelity, and 72% say trust is essential to a successful romance.
- 96% said it was both partners’ responsibility to be completely honest about financial issues.
According to the survey, here are the things we lie about:
- 21% Spending on ourselves
- 6% How much we make
- 12% Spending on children
- 4% Our investments
- 9% Household finances
- 2% Our retirement accounts 2%
Going back to the original question, “What would you do?”. Here are just a few suggestions about what you should do if you find out your spouse is lying about debt and/or money:
Confront the Issue
The first thing you must do is confront the situation. There really isn’t any way around this as it has to be dealt with. I’d suggest reading through a book called Difficult Conversations. It deals with how to have conversations like this, but in a positive and productive manner. Excellent read.
Also important in this process is the 5th habit from Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and that’s “Seek first to understand, then be understood”. I say this because there is a reason your spouse is lying, and it’s your responsibility to determine why. Dive into the reasons why they felt they had to hide the debt from you and/or lie about it. Make sure you first understand their reasoning before you work to make your feelings understood.
Something I want to mention here: One of the key aspects in this conversation is going to be forgiveness. You need to forgive your spouse for the mistake they’ve made. This doesn’t mean you need to forget it, but it means you need to forgive them. What has been done is done, and that can’t be changed. In order to move forward from a clean slate though requires forgiveness. Don’t continue to bring it up, don’t continue to zing them. Focus on the future and not on the past.
Begin working together
The next step is to begin working together on your finances and communicating on your finances. Be warned though, if one of you is a saver, and the other a spender, this process will require some level of compromise. Develop your financial goals, your financial plan, and budget together! Don’t just do this one time, but work together constantly. My wife and I review our budget weekly.
Keep some things separate
Sometimes in a marriage it becomes easy to forget that each partner is also an individual. My wife and I have found it critical to our financial success and marriage to have separate spending categories just for us, for whatever we want. There is a line item in our budgets for this monthly. We can do whatever we want with this money, blow it, save it, invest it…whatever.
Counseling
The above items work on small issues, but on large issues or repetitive problems, the problem isn’t a money problem, but a marriage problem. If your marriage has issues with large amounts of debt, continuous issues with lying and hiding money, or constant fighting than it’s time for marriage counseling. Marriage counseling will engage a third party that will help your marriage. Being Christian, I would highly recommend a Christian marriage counselor. Your church pastor should be able to recommend someone.
*Photo by: dalvenjah
Have you been (or maybe you currently are) in a situation like this? What did you do? What suggestions do you have for someone in a situation like this? How would you handle your spouse lying about money? Add a comment!
May 13th, 2008 at 8:18 am
One of the reasons people don’t fess up about their spending is fear of their spouse’s reactions. She’ll never forgive me! He’ll leave me! Well, maybe he or she will act like that. However as a Christian we need to realize that their reactions are not up to us, and our deceit is motivated by a basic instinct: Attempting to controll the ones we love.
Controll of others is sometimes attempted through threats and actions of violence or withholding affection. But withholding information or outright deception is also an attempt to alter the behavior of someone else so they will act in ways more favorable to you. Thus we see that when you lie to your spouse, you are really manipulating them into loving you and treating you better than you assume they would otherwise. Does that sound like a christian thing to do?
God looks on the inside, and judges us on our true heart rather than the face we present to others. We need to confess our deceit to the LORD and also to the ones we have wronged, namely the wife or husband we have lied to. Their response is not your decision. They may not forgive. They may. Either way, you must do right by God and let others find the right way on their own.
May 13th, 2008 at 9:37 am
It’s definitely not easy when one is a saver and the other a spender. I happen to be the saver, and the spender husband I have has very little interest in the day to day management of our money. He also has a distaste for what many in the PF blogging community do — He doesn’t like having set spending amounts called “allowances.” Funny thing is, if I give him a spending limit he’s alright with it, and the money is usually there every paycheck. Same principle, no name, and he’s happy as a clam. :)
It’s not impossible to have a saver/spender together that works, but one key thing to realize in the situations like this is that you cannot change your partner. A spender will never become a saver and vice versa. You can, however, find the compromise that makes sure both of your needs are met. (I know my husband and I have, finally.)
May 13th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Good post. We separate some categories of spending as well, but full-disclosure is always the rule.
Neither of us have money to “blow” at the moment.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Wow, I can’t imagine ever being less than completely transparent about my spending. And it’s impossible for DH to be dishonest about the spending, as I handle all of the finances. But, I have to admit to sometimes downplaying the amount of available funds to DH so that he doesn’t get the crazy impulse to run out and buy stuff *COUGH*RockBand*COUGH*
:)
May 13th, 2008 at 10:12 am
great post – i was just working on a post very similar – when i saw you had one up already!
I was just reading money confessions on twitter, and this was one of them:
I have four credit cards my husband doesn’t know about. He just ordered both our credit reports – I am so afraid he will find out
People do such silly things when it comes to money, and I know I’ve done this once or twice myself – saying something cost less than it did, or going the old “better to ask forgiveness than permission” route.
My wife and I are doing better about this, and doing a financial class right now is really opening our eyes to how much we really do spend.
The key i think is to be on the same page together in spending and saving decisions. Sometimes that’s easier said than done.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:56 am
“72% say trust is essential to a successful romance.” That statistic completely blows me away. I wonder what the other 28% think is essential???
I agree with a pp — for the saver in the marriage, it’s essential to let go of the idea that you will turn your spouse into a saver. Power of a Praying Wife helped me *immensely* in this regard. In it, Stormie writes about how she had to let go of the expectations she had of her husband and simply let him become who God intended him to be. I’ve allowed God to teach me how to do that, and to teach me that I’m accountable to God for my actions; he is accountable to God for his.
The amazing part is that, the less I nit-pick about what he spends, the more “responsible” (IMHO) he becomes. :)
May 13th, 2008 at 11:08 am
My dear fiance is a police officer and applied to be on the Swat Team. He told me if he was accepted he would have to purchase a very expensive weapon. First of all, I hate guns. Second of all, we’re saving for our upcoming wedding, a house, etc. I told him if he was accepted to the team (which is the only reason he would ever need that type of a weapon), he could buy the gun, though I wasn’t crazy about it.
Imagine my surprise when his mother one evening said to me how excited her son (who had not yet been accepted on the team) was about his new gun. He even took it to show off to his parents!
Needless to say, I was waiting at the door when he got home. We did not fight, but we did have a discussion. Hopefully we won’t have anymore situations where a major purchase is kept a secret. And he ended up getting accepted to the team.
May 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Like Rocket, we don’t really have the money to blow. That said, I appreciate it that some days Micah will come home (every once in a while) from campus and say, “I ran into Greg [another teacher] and we got coffee, talked about classes and stuff.” Or that he bought a snack because his bloodsugar was dropping. That’s accounted for in our budget, I just need to know if it’s being spent or not and I’m glad that he’s willing to work with me on that.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
These issues are always difficult to deal with and Dan is right about the types of fears that we place on ourselves and the negative ideas that we often come up with. I also agree with Dan that more often than not these are just fears and our spouse is only too willing to help us deal with the issue without brushing it under the carpet.
May 13th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Being single doesn’t seem to stop me from having an opinion. Which is that I couldn’t live with complete transparency. I would need to have some amount of money for which I am accountable to no one but myself. Having a ceiling for that would be fine, but I don’t think I could do a completely joint budget like Mrs. Micah (and others) seem to.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I am currently in the situation described above. I have been lying to my significant other for years regarding our finances. I’ve spent the past 3 months trying to figure out how to get on a better path – a laughably short time considering how long this has been going on.
Why did this situation develop in the first place? I never gave it any thought for the longest time, content to sweep it all under the proverbial rug, but recently I have been trying to discover where this behavior came from and the roots of it.
I discovered that my dysfunctional childhood played a HUGE role in my adult life and the ensuing failures I have encountered. I never realized just how big of a self-punisher I was until just recently. It has been painful to be honest with myself and acknowledge that my formative years were rooted in shame, humiliation and violence.
Another factor that I didn’t take into account was my significant other’s childhood. My SO, too, lived in an unforgiving household with an alcoholic father.
So, we had two big strikes against us. Me, with my extremely shaky foundation and the SO with no concept of forgiveness.
The root of my lies regarding money, then, were a fear of not receiving forgiveness from the SO when financial mistakes were made. It was just “better” to forge ahead on a wild ride while keeping the SO in the dark. Less arguments about money and more chance to “make it up” at some point in the future, or so I thought.
Very bad idea! The end result is that our credit is shot and our finances have suffered. We needed to be on the same page and we weren’t. The situation is changing now, slowly. It is so much better to be honest.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:03 am
When my spouse and I went took a marriage preparation course, they spent a lot of time on finances. We both knew exactly what we were getting into, for better or for worse, but did come up with a plan together. We also give each other a certain amount every month, based on our budget, to do with whatever we please, but everything else is discussed.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:29 pm
I found your blog via the Carnival of Debt Reduction #130. No lies between Mr. A and I, but I think your post just revealed something to me. I think that Mr. A is a spender, while I’m a saver! Perhaps this is why I feel like I’m beating my head against a brick wall some days. And while he doesn’t spend a lot of money, it just doesn’t seem like we are on the same page when it comes to paying off our debt. I am definitely going to do some more research on this. Thanks for the great post!
May 24th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
“The borrower is a slave to the lender.” Prov 22:7
That said, my wife duped me for the third time in our eight year marriage. She managed to run up ~50K in debt on nine credit cards of which I was unaware. We had this problem two times before much to my shock and horror, each time I cleaned up the mess and sacrificed to pay down the debt. She promised it wouldn’t happen again. She lied! It is wrong!! Period!!!
If I did this to my employer, I would be doing jail time. If I did this to someone off the street whom I have no legal relation to, I would be doing jail time. Somehow, within the sphere of a marriage, this is perfectly legal to do to your spouse. Wrong, traumatizing, but legal.
I am divorcing my wife of nine years after being lied to an manipulated one too many times. It’s amazing the scale of the lies she told. Not just one or two big lies but multiple “maintenance” lies to keep the deception going over an extended period of time. Unfortunately, my daugther will suffer as well for my wifes foolishness. How can you ever dig your way out a hole? What a fool.
If you are a spouse who is engaging in this type of activity take heed. You are hurting those near to you in a way that you cannot even imagine. I would rather that my wife had an adulterous affair. It wouldn’t have cost me ~100K and all of the missed opportunities that go with it.
Debt = owed money. Owed money = time & energy to pay back. Time & energy = your life, your precious time here on earth. Debt = waste.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I could not agree more with Rich. My 53 year old husband passed away in April of a sudden heart attack. He did not commit suicide but essentially killed himself with guilt and stress. After he died I found 4 boxes full of unopened mail and bills for 18 credits cards that he had run up with overdue totals of 88,000 dollars. It was in the trunk of his car. I also found out that he had a po box and that is why I never saw any of the bills. He even had credit cards in my name, which I never opened up. I am in total debt and shock from all the lies that I am finding out about. I have to forgive him because I am a Christian, but he has devastated his whole family. He withdrew money (10,000 inheritance to his 2 children) from his kids bank accounts and wiped out my bank account of 8,000 dollars . I cannot describe the sense of betrayal that I feel. My children even though adult (daughter age 20 and son age 24) have also been devastated. Money truly is the root of all evil. Adultery would have been easier to forgive. I begged my husband to share the finances with me, but it always led to fighting and I gave in and trusted him. Those who say they have recieved counseling are truly saving their marriage and on their way to a better life.
June 3rd, 2010 at 9:57 pm
And I agree with BOTH OF YOU! Got you beat though…my soon to be X kept nearly $300,000 hidden from me until 6 months into the marriage. School debt and living on several credit cards for years did him in, laziness too.
I was hoping to start a family as I’m in my late 30’s but now that has all changed. It’s been a dark two years but I have stayed strong and will survive. I struggle with forgiveness and moving on… we are divorcing this summer. And to be honest with you, GOOD N’GONE!
January 2nd, 2011 at 6:17 pm
You people call yourself Christians! Debt is not a reason to divorce. Have you prayed for your spouse and ask the Lord to deliver them from this bondage. Anoint your house, lay hands over your spouse, and believe and trust that YOUR GOD will handle the situation. We are not MOVED BY EMOTIONS, if this were the case all of us would be divorce, broke, and crazy! We stand on FAITH and HIS WORD. What God puts together no man can separate! And that’s all there is to it! Spending money is a disease! It just like an alcoholic or drug addict. It is a demon that needs to be cast out. Jesus blood covers ALL things! He can do the impossible! The world looks to us as examples and we can not even show the way. What a shame!
April 5th, 2011 at 9:21 pm
I’m not here to judge anyone’s commitment to God, just to share my story. My wife of 18 years dropped a bomb on me several years ago. At that time we lived in a beautiful home with lots of land. I really liked the home and farm that we lived on. I liked it so much that when we financed and purchased the home I told her that I would make the house payments and some other of the bills and she could pay the other bills. I thought at the time that I had to convince her that we could afford the place. We lived there a total of 8 years. We worked hard to keep that place up. It was expensive to keep afloat there. But something felt fishy with our financial situation. I kept telling her that something wasn’t adding up financially. She had her own checking account and I had mine. I said she made too much money for us to be this broke. She finally confided in me after 10 years of lying to me that she had been paying 500-700 Dollars a month or so to pay off her sister’s credit card bill. I was in shock. I became very angry and bitter towards her for Betraying me for so long and constantly lying to me over the years when I asked her why we were always so broke. She had lied about credit cards in the past to me before also so this wasn’t the first time. She had to be bailed out a time or two by her dear old Dad when he was alive when she was a lot younger too. Her sister apparently had charged up several credit cards and couldn’t pay them off and was dodging calls from collection agencies. Her sister apparently asked her for help. One of the worst parts about it is that her sister has never tried to pay us anything back or acted like she appreciated it in any way. It is sad to my that I struggled to keep things together and put off retirement savings for roughly 10 years because of her. Another bad thing is that her sister is still keeping this lie from her husband who is a Deacon at our local church and She is active at that church also. It has been several years since my wife has told me about this, but I just can’t seem to let this go. I struggle with it from time to time. I can’t help but feel like she robbed me of 10 years of my life and betrayed me over and over for all those years.
June 23rd, 2011 at 1:08 pm
When my husband and I got married 23 years ago, I was marrying my best friend with the anticipation of gaining a husband and future father of our kids, but thru the years his career slowly began to take priority over me and the kids. I was put in charge of the finances but He wanted to call the shots. He could spend at will but I had to justify every penny I spent. It became easier and easier to “hide” things than be treated like a child. Also, I found spending money we didn’t have (my own credit cards) made me feel better, sort of made up for his lack of being present. This went on for many years till one day it came out in the open. We refinanced and paid off all the debt but got no counseling or financial advice. Well, that was 4 years ago and guess what? Yep, right back to where we were 4 years ago although not as deep in. After the first round, he again put the burdened on me to basically “run” the house because he didn’t have time (because of his work) which I made a hughe mistake being willing to do it again. He told me after the first time that HE would not go thru this again, like I was doing it to HIM alone and not us. Where is his accountability? I have a part-time husband and the kids have a part-time father. I have yet to confront him with this as I am certain, the blame with rest squarly on my shoulders. We have God so removed from our marriage, I honestly don’t see how we have managed to survive this long. I am a Christian, active in church with the kids while hubby sits at home and “works”. I truly believe the “money problem” is nothing more than a result of a much deeper problem with our marriage and that is my husband is not an active participant unless he feels he has time. His expectations are so high for me and the kids, I don’t see how we breath. I love him dearly and want nothing more for us to get our marriage “fixed” once and for all. I am tired of “running the house” and having to be the “example” for the kids on my own.
September 15th, 2011 at 6:09 pm
I just found out that my girlfriend of 3 years lied to me about not paying a bill. She had pulled the bill from the mail for 2 yrs so I wouldn’t find out. Well this spring I happened to get the mail first. When I confronted her we had a huge blow out but I accepted her answer that she was afraid that I would leave. She was in an abusive past so her behaviour was not surprising. The problem was that I thought that the air had been cleared. Over the course of the next 2 months I found out about a credit card and 2 other bills. Each time I confronted her she told me there was nothing else. I finally had enough when I discovered there was a lien on our house from her past. At first she told me she didn’t know how it got on there but she found out that I was asking lawyers to look into it she confessed that she had lost a court battle and owed money that she never paid up. She admitted it was the last of the deception and had hit rock bottom. This was my breaking point after offering so many chances to come clean, I felt she was a coward, that she didn’t come clean because of guilt but simply because she got caught. I absolutely loved this woman before this happened and now I am really struggling to keep the relationship alive because the trust is gone. I don’t know the outcome but I wanted to share my story in the hopes of finding clarity. Thanks
January 5th, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I am moved by hearing so many others going through the same struggle. My husband has been hiding two credit cards, and other accounts from me for the entire 3 1/2 years that we have been married. It would be bad enough if it were just the existence of the accounts, as we have more than enough money to pay them off. What leaves the deepest scar is the way in which he could lie to my face about these accounts even after they were discovered… and the fact that he would be lying today, tomorrow, and beyond if I hadn’t caught him. I am not sure what to do. I know I should forgive him, but I feel angry, hurt, and duped, which makes it hard to feel forgiveness. He acknowledges his wrongdoing and professes a desire to change, but words are just words now. I have to believe that God is capable of bringing healing into our lives.
January 17th, 2012 at 5:09 am
I am in a current situation which I have been lying to my wife about certain finances ; my father in law gave me a hefty sum ($60,000 to be exact )in order to deposit it in my kids accounts as savings which I did ( and that was around 5 years ago ). Now my wife comes from an upper class rich family , while I come from a middle class respectful but non rich family and I have been working for a private company with a salary that barely makes ends meet.I love my wife and children to death and I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt them in any imaginable way. Times got hard for me , their were bills that needed to be paid and I never was the type to ask my wife for money ; I therefore started using my kids’ accounts to settle them without the knowledge of my wife. I felt secure because my honest intention was to give the money back once I became financially ready. This thought ( that i would be giving it back ) made me spend on my needs e.g.if I wanted to get a new Iphone I would use the kids’ accounts and within a couple of years it was all spent! My wife recently came up with the idea that we needed to invest our kids’ money somewhere in which they can benefit from returns in the future ; she wanted to make that wealth grow for their security and she started asking me about the cash in their accounts and that she wanted to get a hold of all their balance information which has been dissolved. I first tried to stall her from the topic completely , but she was persistent ; we got into huge fights on how she felt I was not giving her full rights as their mother but I kept postponing and postponing and now I believe she is suspicious and feels she does not trust me unless I show her the bank statements. She is angry , she is confused , she is losing the trust of her husband and why ? because I was a coward and could not confess that I could not afford a certain standard in life! which led to my spending of $60,000 from my kids accounts in less than two years without her knowledge.
I am going to confess to her tonight about everything! I never ever spent money or time with any other woman than my wife , I never cheated on her , and I do love her and my kids with all my heart and will return the whole amount if it kills me sooner or later.
I also realize my mistake and am ready for any consequences that may come. Nevertheless, I am super scared but I am sure that living a truthful life is much better than living with a dark horrible secret.
January 23rd, 2012 at 9:07 am
Well, I am the liar in my case. I have lied to my husband over a course of a couple of years about what is now 20,000 in credit card debt on our only credit card.. I didn’t hide expenses, I didn’t make the charges on anything or anyone other than our house or our family, but the spending of misc. items for kids, fast food, groceries, etc, was out of control. I was in charge of all the bills and I got each of them paid on time and have never been late or deliquent, which was a blessing, but also I was paying so much on the minimum payment each month, that it left me no money for food, gas, groceries, anything so what would I do, charge them. So, even though I was making these hefty monthly payments to pay off the card, I was in turn re-charging everything the next month. How crazy is that? I kept telling myself I could get a grip on it, and somehow ended up convincing myself. Well, then came the day a few weeks ago where his truck broke down and well —- there was no money left on the card to charge it – I had forgotten to put back money throughout the year for our taxes, so I had cleaned out savings to pay for those taxes – I had to come clean – I was terrified, it was a terrible few days and even now weeks later, I still feel so guilty. This is a feeling I never want to experience EVER again. We have since re-financed our home and credit card debt and will be paying on that now. He took my credit card and I don’t ever want to see that thing again. He and I have been doing our bills weekly and sticking to the budget. I know I have to forgive myself if I want him to forgive me. As a Christian, I know better- what in the world was I thinking? I have failed God, myself, my husband and my children.. I am going to get down on my knees and pray to God for forgiveness again and keep my heart open to receive His forgiveness. I have apologized multiple times to my husband desperate to keep his love. I know now how badly I have hurt him, but he still loves me and thinks we can get through this even when I have my doubts. To see the pain and hurt in his eyes tears me apart and was it all worth it, NO… I’m recommending to anyone lying about debt, to come clean, the longer it goes on the worse it’s going to get. You think you can handle it, but the chances are less likely you can – I have alot of work ahead of me before I earn my husband’s trust again, and I’m in it for the long haul. I recommend with any couple that joint accounts are a good thing in that you both know what you have and can hold each other accountable. Blessings to all reading this, and if my experiences can help you, then God Bless You on your journey. I do totally agree with A.B. Confessor, living a truthful life is much better than living a dark horrible secret. My dark secret was eating my up each and every day I looked at our bills and it was affecting my mood toward my husband and kids because of the burden. Life is too short to live that way – here’s to the future and the truth :)
May 30th, 2012 at 1:09 pm
I am having the same struggle as some of you. I have been married for 6 years, and my husband has lied constantly about his spending. I only know of the lies because we have a joint account; he would NEVER admit to spending any amount of cash, or he would under-estimate how much an item really was (ie. $105 vs. $250). We live paycheck to paycheck, even though we make enough money to satisfy our necessities and still have a bit to “blow.” We have tried to manage our budget together, as individuals, and now by just ignoring the issues. I’ve actually been restraining from checking on our account online, because I know I will not like what I see, and indeed, today when I looked, exactly what I knew would happen, did; there is no money in there! I expect for him to be dishonest and deceitful at this point, and that is truly sad. Trust? What trust? There is none. :( Is it possible to have the same heated argument for years and the other person really not get it? Or does he just feel so entitled, that my needs aren’t important enough as his conveniences/
Very recently, he even went as far as changing the bank loggin information, so I could not have access to checking it online. I had to insist for weeks for him to put our old password back. He has “secret” bank account which he puts money in whenever he feels like it. I have no idea what he does with the funds in that account. He doesn’t come home with new toys, or anything, so what gives? I don’t think he is being unfaithful or cheating, but I know he wants more control of “the money he works hard for” and he doesn’t like how I “micromanage” the accounts (to make sure what we NEED bought does get paid!). Spending $20 there and $30 there really adds up to hundreds a month!
I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed that I cannot spend any money to even buy groceries for my 2 girls, while he merrily spends frivolously. I am conscious of every dollar I spend, but he is free to swipe as he chooses. I am to the point where I just feel like I can’t trust a thing that comes out of his mouth. I want to open my own account and put funding in there monthly, but will I just be playing his game as well? When will this craziness end? I’m sick and tired or dealing with this same issue for years. I’m at my breaking point.
June 12th, 2012 at 3:24 pm
I married the Man of my Dreams in 2009 or so I thought. He can be so giving, but yet is very selfish. I feel so bad about what I have done. I have made many mistakes with finances. My Husband has caught me in many lies concerning money. We’re each on our third marriage and things are really Stressed in the house right now. I have 4 children and I work a full time job and always have worked. But, I never can really seem to get ahead in the money area. I’ve been through the wringer with fees, late payments, bank fees and lawyers fees. My Husband and I have seperate accounts and he wants to keep it that way..even though I have begged him to merge accounts. He pays a the house, utility and insurance bills..plus his credit cards bills and he has a photography business on the side. I pay my automobile, cell phone, credit cards/loans, groceries and kids activities. It drives him nuts to pay what he is paying for and I hear about it all the time. In the beginning he told me he would have to pay those bills with or without me. Well, he sure does make me feel guilty about what he has to pay. I’m always asking him for us to work as a team. I just don’t know what to do..He wants a divorce over my deception on my finances. He said I should have come to him in the beginning about my problem with money. He’s always makes me feel beneath him about money. I don’t feel comfortable about asking him for help, even though he’s my Husband and makes twice the money I do..Please help!! He’s ask me to give him 3 reasons to not divorce and the fact that I Love him is not a reason. Because, If I Loved him I would not lie to him about money.
July 17th, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Gosh, so know the feeling! My husband has never not been lying to me about finances over the course of our three years together. He gets secret credit cards, runs them up, ‘forgets to pay high interest loans that I give him money for etc etc. I don’t understand it. He has nothing to show for it! The trust has eroded to non existent at this point. I’m not even sure counseling will help but I’m very willing to try it. We’ve started praying together and that’s given me some hope. Why do they lie?! It’s like he wants to destroy himself financially. He will take out loans to pay for other loans! It’s crazy! Is he a con artist or what?
September 28th, 2012 at 1:48 am
Hi Shiva at [email protected]
I have great pleasure in telling you Andy came up and asked me to give it another go!
He said the only thing he asks of me is to take it slow and not just be all of a sudden like loves young dream. I told him that was grand by me as I will prob take a while to trust him in terms of him wanting to be there and not running of again and that I knew that would come with time. I asked him what was different now to when we finished he said he didn’t really know but that he was probably just more comfy with the whole serious thing. He was even joking about the boys at work telling him they wanted “a day out” (wedding) something he would never have joked about before. It’s kind of weird I thought I would have been more hyper but I think probably because of all the worry etc its feels just like a relief! Words can’t express my thanks to you for all your help and not to mention patience with me I know it hasnt sank in yet but I am so happy and it will only get better as me and Andy get to know each other again.
September 28th, 2012 at 1:49 am
My ex-boyfriend dumped me 0ne week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Hindu spell. You are truly talented and gifted. Email: [email protected] is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man and he can also help you to solve any problem…Lol I am very happy…..,,,,
September 28th, 2012 at 1:51 am
Dear Dr mukulu pakurumo i want to keep you update for the spell you casted for me today i am still giving the testimonies to every body in the world if i backup my memories i always remember when you told me to send you information for the consultation of the spell i fill so happy that i fund you all my life you are still the best of all in my life you are like my father and i will keep in contact with you all the days of my life even is i spend all I have to get what I need i know that my problem was very crusher and big sir i will keep on sending you more money for you and your family i know that one day i will find time to visit your temple to give Thanksgiving to your gods and dance with your temple messenger and your family i believe that you are sent to this world to help people and please Doc keep on helping people as you always do and God will keep on blessing you forever. I try to call you on this number +3398051547488 but network is very bad in my area please if you can call me please call me with this number +25481676630917 but sir you have to call in :12:24pm because i will be going for diner with my lover and my 2kids please sir if i see you miss call i will write to you back in your email [email protected] is that ok sir i believe you can cast spell for many other problem because people are having so many problem in the world i will recommend you to them if you can help them too i know you can do that with the power of your gods is that not so Dr mukulu please help them as you helped me and bring happiness to them as you have given me happiness and God will keep bless you.
Best regards to Dr mukulu
October 11th, 2012 at 4:57 pm
When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found [email protected] and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m so glad I did and trusted him. He performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you
October 26th, 2012 at 3:21 pm
I was a financially independent woman for 15 years before I got married. i paid all my bills on one week’s salary. Getting into marriage and arguing over money just seemed to be so silly, and stupid that it makes me feel like a child. Each person should have their own money as far as I see it. Most men cannot really afford a wife and need their wife to contribute to the financial stability of the house. Sometimes meeting bills leaves no money to take care of essential things such as proper health care, dental appointments or emergencies which may start using up the credit card. I just can’t imagine having to have sex with some no-good, lying dummy. Maybe you’d need to be drunk. When it comes to physical abuse, women should lay down my law: “One lick and you’re out!” It’s easier threatened than done. LOL. But, seriously, I couldn’t stand to have a man argue with me over whether I bought an extra purse or I went to a doctor that doesn’t take insurance. Love doesn’t pay the bills, money does. Some people are trying to live on love alone and it doesn’t work. But, if he genuinely tries his best and fell into sickness or a problem and didn’t continue lying, I’d be sympathetic.
November 12th, 2012 at 12:56 pm
It’s such a shame when couples can’t feel that they can be straight with each other. Sometimes it’s a deliberate deception, but sometimes it can also be because there’s a shame factor in admitting that you’re in debt and that you’ve failed to manage your money effectively. I knew a work colleague who discovered that her partner was £5,000 in debt and it caused such distrust. I think you’ve just got to try and encourage openness.
December 9th, 2012 at 12:30 am
I have been married for 7 years. We have two young boys together. We had a business together, a home, most of all we had a FAMILY! One day I show up to daycare to drop the kids off… And they say that my check was bounced. I was confused and went to the bank on my lunch break, to find out the government had a hold on my account…I called my husband, and he said that he was behind a couple years in taxes. Then I started getting collection agency calls… And find out he had 5 credit cards. As I do more research… He also took 60,000 dollars from our home equity line of credit. “Which I’dlike to state for the record… Is the roof over our children’s head.” Oh yeah….. I forgot to mention that the government also has a Lein on our property too.
I’d also like to say that in the past 6 years I have been paying for everything…. I’ve been paying all the bills, buying the groceries, working,and taking care of the kids by myself. And I was doing it all for love of my family. And his passion for his business.after 6 years of no income from him or help around the home or with the kids… I suggestedthat he give up his business for his family that needed help. AND BOY DID WE NEED HELP. Jacob got kicked outa school for not being up to date on his vaccinations… I was eating over at my mas to feed the kids…
So when I found out all these hurtfull lies from him… And knowing that none of this money he took went to his family… I started to sell things that I could to get my bank account opened… And daycare paid so I didn’t loose my job.and he took off… Weeks went by…and he wouldnt. Answer his phone.
December 9th, 2012 at 12:40 am
It has been 4 months now… He blames it all on me… Lots of fighting… And I have told him… Please come home…. I don’t want a divorce…. And when we have to talk about money he says I don’t wanna deal with it…. Well….. He has never had to deal with anything…. So face it…. And deal with it… And say sorry to your family for lying to them and stealing from them… And abandoning them…. Stop pouting in your truck and take care of your life and your family.
I’M STUCK….. I need help.
I don’t know what to do…. He has taken everything from me, my family my home, my heart, my security. He’s a lowlife… That has not made one attempt to sell anything… Get a job or touck his kids in bed.
December 9th, 2012 at 12:54 am
I don’t want a divorce… Going through family court scares me…. And to start splitting the kids up is heart breaking. And I don’t wanna be a 50% mom…. I’m a 100% mom… Also what kinda man would want a woman who has 2 kids with someone else. Either way I’m alone… And all I care about is those children. But… As you know being married means I’m responsible for this debt… and lots more has come up in the last 4 months.
This isn’t fair!!!!!!!!
It’s not real……
I have brought up counseling…. But he says I’m the one with the problem… And told me to go on meds. So I went on an antidepressant.
And I have begged him to come home…. But all he says is that I bother him and he doesn’t wanna deal with anything. That’s not fair…. That’s life… You gotta deal with feeding your kids and getting them to the doctors.
It’s just not fair…..
It’s not fair!
I don’t know what to do? Divorce… And loose time with my kids….. Or stay married and be taken for granted… Put down, and more in debt…. If that is evan possible
December 15th, 2012 at 11:01 pm
I just need some help quick; My wife lies about money issues, spends when the money will need to be spent on true needs more sooner than later, manipulates about spending money on fast-food for the kids (Note: She tells me to take them to pick-up McDonalds and she will pay me later. When the time comes, she complains it is too much and loses it.) This is a serious trust issue. Also, she takes an inventory on the house and that I use her stuff/petty issues.