Comments on: Enabling the Perpetually Poor

By: Cynthia

Cynthia — Wed, 14 May 2008 07:49:02 +0000

That was a great story and you did the perfect thing to help them. One thing she could do is work from home, like doing childcare herself. By saving commuting and her own childcare she would/could make enough money to really help make up the difference. My daughter-in-law did that for several years and paid most of their bills this way.
Meggan, you are not understanding how disability is however. Your sister has her pets as her “companions” her family and when you are home all the time your tv and internet is the only entertainment you get and the only way you can stay in touch with the outside world. I am on social security disability too and the money is verrrry meager. With only 650 a month and help with food stamps, food pantrys, federal housing assistance, I barely survive. She may be able to get a discount phone as I have here. In Kc,mo they call it lifeline. It is a discount rate for people on social security and they go by your income. She can also qualify for state or county assistance with house cleaning and personal care.
You have to understand, when you become disabled you lose EVERYTHING! You watch as you are waiting (sometimes years) to qualify for disabilty, and you sell or lose all your assets, all your lifes dreams and aspirations, all your hobbys even. You either can’t do them or can’t afford them. People don’t call and visit much when you are disabled. They kind of forget about you. She needs the internet so she can keep in touch with people. Spend a couple of hours researching and putting yourself in her shoes and you will understand better.
Cindy

By: Momma

Momma — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:11:10 +0000

I guess I should address the two comments regarding the requirement that my sister in law get a job and contribute to the family’s finances in order for us to help them out. I, in no way, implied that being a stay at home mom wasn’t contributing. In their circumstance, AFTER doing their expenses and budget, it was necessary for her to get a job in order for them to get back on their feet financially. Period. It had nothing to do with her contribution or lack thereof to the family unit.. only the bank balance.

Yes, we ran the numbers both ways. Yes, it made more sense for her to get a job. At the risk of making the post too long, I cut out the bit where I reminded my sister in law and brother that they have me, my mother and stepfather, my husband, my teenaged daughters, my sister in law’s sister and father, all here and ready and willing to help pick up the slack if she needed help with childcare.

I’m sorry that it came across as though I made a demand on their life and condemned her for being a stay at home mom. That’s not quite how it went.

By: Deirdre

Deirdre — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:07:11 +0000

I think the amazing thing in this story is how you and your husband sat down with them and helped them to see what was coming in and what was going out and helped them come up with a budget that worked for them.

Sometimes that is really what people need — someone who is willing to take the time to explain something. I know there are issues in my life that would really benefit from this (decluttering and cleaning is where I need help).

I do agree with the poster who questioned your opinions on being a stay-at-home parent. Putting a child in daycare and getting a traditional job is not always the best solution, financially or for the child, and there are a variety of possibilities one could consider instead (getting a job from home, parents working at different times, taking in children, etc.).

By: Shelley

Shelley — Mon, 12 May 2008 06:36:37 +0000

The poor think differently about money. Their poverty mentality is often passed down generationally. Often, there’s the thought that because my parents were poor, I’ll remain poor also. Poor folks often live from crisis to crisis, and usually have not been taught or simply don’t make the connection between concepts of budgeting (there’s so little money it seems like a useless endeavor), or delaying their gratification by saving (they may not know when they’ll have the cash in hand again, so it seems reasonable to splurge when doing without is the norm). Not only does an education process have to take place so they can understand the relevance of concepts that other income earners take for granted, but there also must be a retraining in the self talk they feed themselves about money. One to one relationships with caring, patient, higher income people mentoring them will change their thinking and behavior about money. Studying what God’s Word says about prosperity and what is available to them through Christ will help them immensely. I know this because I’ve been raising my children as a single parent, living under poverty guidelines. Little by little, making thought and lifestyle changes have made it possible for the Lord to prosper me. Glory to God, the Word works!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:21:27 +0000

I can totally relate to this story! My husband is the eldest of 5 children, and has taken care of his Mom and the rest of the family since he was 15. Siblings are in a constant state of crisis … with a new story each time something happens.

When I came into my husband’s life, we knew things had to change, as there was no way we could start a family if he continually was rescuing his siblings based on their own poor choices. The process was totally painful — as we weaned them off of our money, they became totally resentful. That was the first clue that things were really off balance — instead of saying “thanks for the tens of thousands of dollars throughout the years,” they stopped talking to us. But with time, we reconnected, and things are healthier now.

I will say that in any situation like this, there are two enablers — the person giving has as much blame as the one asking. It can be intoxicating to be the one who rescues and holds the purse strings.

But in the long run, it never helps to bail someone out more than once. To use a tired metaphor, teach em to fish.

Thanks for the great post!

By: Stock Market Message Board Wall Street Hates Most

Stock Market Message Board Wall Street Hates Most — Fri, 09 May 2008 12:08:46 +0000

[...] the stress over money caused a lot of sleepless nights for both of them? and for my husband and I.Enabling the Perpetually Poor ——————– BusKowBovine – Contented, thus complacent, but EASILY [...]

By: I Will Teach You To Be Rich » Links: Hilarious real-estate bubble seekers, investing yourself (not through a broker), clueless friends and asset allocation

Thu, 08 May 2008 13:29:04 +0000

[...] Story about someone who had to cut his brother off because he kept asking for money. [...]

By: D. DDG

D. DDG — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:27:34 +0000

I too have a brother that has been literally supported by the rest of us for over 20 years, since he hasn’t worked for that long. I decided this is the last 12 month of my life that I will support him and have told him so. I’m 7 years older than him and looking towards my own “senior years” and am paring my own lifestyle down. There is no way this person would ever sit down for a budgeting or talk about his finances. He feels he has a “right” to all the things the rest of us have been slaving away for over 30 years for. It is a no- win situation all the way around. The best quote I’ve ever heard regarding this is: ” Free yourself from the need to solve others problems and you will be free of a dreadful burden and a lot of stress.”

By: Meggan

Meggan — Thu, 01 May 2008 19:11:41 +0000

I have a sister who is on social security for her permanent disability, so I understand she can’t work because she can’t stand, can’t lift and cannot walk long distances. This sister just lost her food stamps as they are cutting down on all “expenses” in this state. Fine. She has two dogs, three cats and a partridge in a pear tree. Just kidding about the bird. Just the first two sets of animals. She can’t afford to feed herself due to the animals’ food and vet budget eating up the rest of her leftover money after bills. She insists on having phone service with long distance as well as internet. She needs neither. I did get her a pay as you go cell phone for her birthday and she hasn’t bothered putting any minutes on it with her birthday money. She will not give up the animals and she is not going to be able to make her payment for the phone/internet this month. I told her to get dial-up, as she doesn’t need cable internet. She said she couldn’t, it was a “package” deal. I said you just get local phone service and use that for internet. Couldn’t do that either. I said if you want to have extra money every month, sounds to me like you need to unload those animals you can’t take care of. She says I can’t, I have to have my pets. Ok, I told her, since you won’t economize and you won’t sacrifice some things, I guess you’re going to starve and have no phone or internet. I told her I give up trying to help you, as you won’t take my advice and there’s always an excuse. I told her the only way she was going to be hearing from me is by mail until she can get her finances straight and figure out that I’m not wasting my time with her mentality anymore.

By: Ashley

Ashley — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:42:15 +0000

A lot of people get confused about daycare. Having someone care for your child while you work does not necessarily mean breaking the bank. She could get a part-time job at night while her husband watches the children. She can ask a neighbor or a friend to watch them for far less than an official daycare would cost. She can go to her church, and ask if there is anyone in the congregation who can help. And lest you assume that I don’t understand how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mother, I am one. I raise two children while my husband supports us on a military salary. And I have helped more than one military mother get her family on its feet by watching her children at a fraction of the going rate for childcare. Which, by the way, is another way to bring in an income without paying for childcare. I guarantee you she knows someone who would love to pay half price for childcare.